Woody Woodpecker. Dora the Explorer. Angry Birds (best video game movie ever). Rivers of penguins. Giant, fluffy puppies. Baboons in space. Shazam flosses. Hulk dabs. Emperor Nero raps. People and Pokémon merged. People and cats fused. Aliens smoking the damndest things. Hayley Bennett pooping the DAMNDEST things. Zombies like coffee. Zombies like cabbage. Dildo blade. Death by horse. The rich explode. Lesbian painter. Lesbian vampire painter. Jay and Silent Bob. Good Burger in 35mm. Space Jam in 35mm. Polynesian Jew Hitler. Adam Sandler’s colon. Eldritch alpacas. Huge vagina. Talking dogs standing up to gentrification. Todd Phillips for Best Director. CGI Will Smith in 120 FPS. CGI Will Smith in a pigeon’s body. Gay anime. Straight Frozen. Adam Driver double bill. Two popes. In this economy? Makoto Shinkai drew a cat. In THIS economy? Danny DeVito is Awkwafina. Danny Glover is a horse. Rian Johnson wins. Star Wars loses. Rian Johnson next to me. Céline Sciamma in front of me. Bong Joon-ho, in my presence, in a scarf! Oh, and so much horrible crud has been happening in real life, Disney owns everything and Britain, not to mention the free internet, are damned for eternity. You in the US of A should feel lucky your president is going to prison but as for us, there’s nothing left for us to do. There’s just no hope left. Boomers win.
And if all of that didn’t sound wild enough, I discovered I’m trans.
Hail Satan, amirite
