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Private Notes
While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. With our state-of-the-art wormhole satellites, we can now transmit Onion News Network broadcasts from the year 2137. More than 125 years into the future, the Onion News Network remains the world’s most powerful media empire, dispensing the finest news, commentary, and swooshy graphics 24 hours a day directly into the right eye of every viewer through technology called ‘EyeStreaming.’ These broadcasts depict a much-changed planet. A catastrophe known only as “the Burndown” has reduced the world to a lawless wasteland—food and water are scarce, social institutions have crumbled, and a screaming, tattooed thug has been installed as the president of what remains of the United States. In robot-controlled CalifornieX, humans are forced into speed-dating programs to produce more slave offspring, while protesters in the Indiana Grimlands brave devastated city centers, coming out in full force to defeat a bill that would allow same-sex couples to wed. Internationally, the last remaining Israeli and Palestinian are still locked in battle, and completion of the world-destroying 'Doomsday Machine' has been delayed once again, sparking widespread outrage that life on earth will have to continue.
