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Private Notes
No one “just” tags people randomly on Facebook.
You know you’re on the right track when you look like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
The evil men do will not be forgiven by any just God.
There’s ALWAYS a reason.
It’s fun to have an office doppelganger!
Water is healthy, less so when you add crushed up Xanax.
Where the hell were you?
Our patronus is a mountain hare, which gives us the courage to say that your horoscope is ridiculous.
Gobble gobble, motherf***er.
You will never know the pain of being truly alone on National Calico Cat Appreciation Day.
If you can’t tweet ‘em, join ‘em. Or something like that.
On the other hand, how else are you going to get your mitts on gallon tubs of hummus?
At least Donald Duck was in the navy.
Obviously, the only way to prove to your friend that your relationship transcends decades of discrimination is to brutally mock them.
One doesn’t simply ‘leave the bar’ when the trivia begins.
Now the backlash to a backlash to sports has lashed back to a backlash to a backlash to a backlash to sports.
Oh, boy, Mondays, am I right?
Finally, a meditation app to help you destress from push notifications on your productivity app.
We say: lean into it.
If you’ve never used Waze to hit on a hot mama in traffic, GTFO.
It takes a big man to drink from a chalice.
The past nine days have really changed everything.
Bending the laws of time and space; violating the laws of personal space.
You guys are such flirty little a-holes.
Be on the lookout for \Uh-Oh! Furniture Tunnel!
Netflix and extremely not chill.
Why did they have to make them all the tasty colors?
It’s called letterboxing.
I guess my eyes have just evolved to be like, so progressive.
No one cares about elves, Trapp.
