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Private Notes
Lamont buys a porcelain figure for $15 from a silent movie star and after having it appraised, Lamont and Fred decide to take it to an auction to make even more money on it. Fred and Lamont attend the auction pretending to be buyers so that the price can be jacked up higher. However, things go awry to Lamont's dismay.
Lamont buys Fred a new hat for his birthday and then tries to take him out on the town to celebrate. However, a visit to a fancy bar, a movie theater to see Fiddler on the Roof and dinner at a Chinese restaurant are far from a celebration for Fred.
Engaged, Lamont is excited about his impending nuptials but on the wedding day he quickly finds himself the only one who is. The bride dumps him at the altar and he finds his relatives begging to get back their wedding gifts.
Fred and Lamont buy a load of copper from a man that has been stealing copper in the neighborhood. The man is late for a meeting with Lamont at the diner because he is ripping off the Sanford plumbing pipes, which he then sells to Fred and Lamont.
Lamont comes down hard on Fred to try to get him to quit smoking and has him go to the doctor for a chest x-ray. Later, the results are sent in the mail and Fred becomes convinced he has tuberculosis.
While cleaning the house, Fred knocks over Lamont's glass figurine collection. Trying to cover up the fact that he broke them, Fred makes up a story about how the house was robbed and how he fought them off. In the process, he is labeled as a hero and Fred takes advantage of it.
Lamont tries to have a quiet evening with his latest girlfriend, Darlene, but has little privacy thanks to an annoying Fred who keeps interrupting them. Fed up, Lamont decides to move into his own apartment, which at first worries Fred but then discovers he himself has privacy.
Fred does not feel like paying his bills and he throws them in the trash claiming that they never arrived, dragging out the services for as long as he can. After doing so, Fred receives threats that say that they will turn off the gas, electricity, and other utilities, and repossess his furniture if he does not pay.
Lamont purchases two coffins from an auction to try and get a profit if he sells them to a funeral parlor. In the process, Fred becomes paranoid by having the coffins in the house and refuses to sleep in the house with the coffins. Lamont doesn't think much of it, until he begins hearing strange noises at night.
Fred proposes marriage to Donna Harris, a widow whom Fred is in love with. Lamont can't understand why a practical nurse in her 40's would be interested in a 65-year old junk dealer, and does his best to oppose their impending nuptials.
Fred wants a new color television set and Lamont wants a new car. The problem is that they cannot afford both of them, so Lamont buys the car. However, after Fred discovers Lamont's purchase, he comes up with a scheme that involves him pretending to have amnesia until Lamont will buy him a color television.
While collecting junk, Lamont runs across an old suitcase and decides it could be worth something. However, once he gets it home, Fred makes a shocking discovery when he opens the case to discover that it is stuffed with money. Lamont wants to turn the money in and Fred wants to keep it and locks in a safe. Just then a gunman shows up wanting the money.
Fred and Donna reconcile their differences and get back together with marriage being on both of their minds. Fred breaks the news to Lamont, who once again is dead set against the whole idea and decides that two can play that game and cooks up a scheme to stop Fred and Donna's impending nuptials.
A wealthy man wants to get rid of a grand piano and Lamont gets a great deal on it. However, the big problem turns out to be moving it out of the man's apartment.
