Add
Private Notes
Man may have tempered the spectre of nuclear evil. But tonight I have the unenviable task of reporting that warfare has been taken out of man's hands. We're now at the mercy of machines, and a battle, the likes of which we've never seen before, is about to begin. Outside the studio, women have lashed themselves to the railings. Britain is about to witness the birth...of Robot Wars, which is all about robots...fighting.
Last week a new type of war came out of nowhere, and rocked the very fabric of society. When the cruise missiles were gingerly lifted from their silos in Berkshire, we figured the world would be a safer place. But we were reckoning without Robot Wars! World Leaders are in a blind panic. Last week it was reported that Tony Blair stopped grinning for five minutes, Alexander Haig has flown to Buenos Aires, but that's probably a bit silly, because the fighting is confined to Britain.
Amid reports that robot wars are now breaking out all over the world, the European Union, with the backing of the United Nations, today announced that it would do "Everything in its power to halt the spread of this vicious and vile disease". They would rather we did a programme on daffodils and bunny rabbits. But we're not going to. What we are going to do is get on with the Docklands Chainsaw Massacre, and meet the 6 robots who tonight will compete for death or glory!
In a desperate bid to bring peace once again to this sceptred isle, the USS Nimitz today arrived off the coast with a full compliment of F-14 fighters. Now ordinarily, the might of the US Navy's flagship would be no match for the robots on Robot Wars, but tonight, things are a little different. Tonight, it's a lightweight special, where all the robots weigh less than 12kg. They're small, but don't worry, they're still vicious. So let's go and meet the only machines in the world that are brave enough to spill Prince Naseem's pint!
One day, somebody opened up the shell of an oyster and found inside what appeared to be a large globule of phlegm. But instead of throwing it away, he ate it. And he discovered that it was not only delicious, but also, that it was an aphrodisiac. Well I have the same amount of respect for the man who looked at his remote-controlled car and said "I know, I'll armour-plate that and use it to bash into other armour-plated remote-controlled cars". it may not have resulted in an urgent need to have sex, but he had invented Robot Wars.
Throughout history, warmongers have promised that their conflict will be the mother of all battles, but tonight, we're gonna show them how a proper war should be fought. The whole series has been leading up to tonight's final showdown, and throughout the land we're getting reports of a nation on tenterhooks. Men are tending their allotments, women are cooking supper, children are tucked up in bed and dreaming of the day they can have a pony. But here, in the East End of London, we have six more robots revved up and ready to fight it out for that last place in the final showdown.
Roadblock won the grand final.
