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Private Notes
Rick and Steve are the happiest gay couple in West Lahunga Beach! At least they would be, if it weren’t for the fact that their life is all quiche, Pussy and internet download sex videos, but none too much of the piggy-daddy, rampant romps.
Their favourite same-sex partnership friends are coming ‘round for quiche; lesbians Kirsten and Dana (with the usual baba ghanouj surprise in hand, whatever that is), and Chuck and Evan (replete with “differently-abled” Chuck’s complicated medication cocktail).
Kirsten wants Rick as a sperm donor – after all, conservatives and crack whores shouldn’t be the only ones making babies – although Dana is insisting on the turkey baster method. Not everything goes to plan (Steve is pushing for a threesome, and the girls’ complicated back-up cruising plan results in online deception and penis-centric disappointment).
More couple trouble as Dana and Kirsten agree to baby-sit Echinacea for socially aware mummies Ebony and Ivory, but are horrified to hear the child’s first word in the car on the way home. Who knows how he or her picked that one up?
Rick and Steve go to see Dr Proctor, a marriage counsellor who advises them to involve each other in their “secret lives”; a support group for gay geniuses, and a monster truck show.
When Rick and Steve get involved in the baby-sitting, it ends in biting, another double-cup mixture of "tapioca", and a discussion about potential aversion therapy. Then there’s the monsterbator and the molten pit of lava to worry about. And how will Rick’s new helmet do the trick for the twosome's sex life?
Dana’s had a little accident, in more ways than one. Somehow, Rick and Steve’s super-sperm mixture has penetrated three layers of denim and one bulldyke uterus, meaning only one thing: the abortion hotline.
Steve’s Evangelical Baptist parents pop by for a surprise visit and a special medical procedure for his mom, though they are still not entirely in the picture about Rick’s relationship with their son.
Meanwhile, Chuck tightens the supply lines for Evan’s recreational drugs, leading to an unexpected route out of the gay ghetto into the monochrome, heterosexual quarter of Regular Lahunga Beach. But without Chuck's steady stream of uppers and downers, how will Evan balance out his diet pills? He’s so tired!
When Pussy gets wind of Rick and Steve’s plans to move her into the shed to make room for Dana’s baby’s nursery, the dastardly feline mastermind puts sets the neighbourhood cats against the lesbians… at first in a plot worthy of Alfred Hitchcock, but later in a musical number worthy of Tom Jones.
Condi’s seventeenth failed suicide (those previous attempts with a glue gun and the electric car were none too successful) lands her in hospital, where Dr Hunk reveals her overdose was mainly Ben & Jerry’s.
Everyone’s preparing for the new baby's arrival, including Rick (who has to attend yoga classes with Dana), and Evan, who finds himself the new target of Condi’s ardour. Cue a lesson in fag haggery from Chuck (and the history of the gay pride rainbow).
How can the West Lahunga Gang bring a child into the world if they can’t even get along? On a Cruisey Cruise gay family six-for-five deal, including the Seamen Dance, Vagina Appreciation Seminars, and a Mommy Boot Camp, that’s how. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Except scurvy.
On board the US Corybungus, they must deal with Rick's ex-boyfriend Hunter (a strict rice queen), a stowaway Condi, and a transvestite cruise director. And, boy, are there a lot of groovy dentists on this ship.
When the ship is marooned on a giant Mexican iceberg, it looks like they’re all going down together. But Hunter steps up to the plate much to Steve’s chagrin and, whilst the booze is running out, the rainbow brigade come up with some creative rescue plans. The result? Some girl on girl action and at least one damaged chopper.
Who says life's a beach? It’s a hormone holiday in West Lahunga; all that progesterone is turning Dana into a sweet but obsessive gal on a mission to baby-proof her house, and Rick’s herbal steroids make him incredibly horny. What a time for Gayrage TV star Preston Fessler dot com to move in next door.
Meanwhile, Steve tries to expand his business by meeting the local Log Cabin Republicans but winds up joining the K K Gay, the gay white supremacist organization.
The baby’s big day arrives, and Dana needs a shock to bring her out of her self-inflicted padded cell (and non-man-hating ways) in time to go into labour. Will it be Rick’s or Steve’s? Will it be a boy, a girl, or a gay, and - more importantly - will it come with baggage?
