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Never the Twain

All Episodes 1981 - 1991

  • Ended
  • #<Network:0x00007f70e730b1a0>
  • 1981-09-06T23:00:00Z
  • 25m
  • 1d 3h 55m (67 episodes)
  • Johnnie Mortimer
  • United Kingdom
  • English
  • Comedy
Never the Twain is a British sitcom that ran for eleven series from 7 September 1981 to 9 October 1991. It was created by Johnnie Mortimer, and was the only sitcom he ever created without his usual writing partner, Brian Cooke. Mortimer wrote the entirety of the first two series and four episodes out of six of the eighth, with the rest being mainly written by Vince Powell and John Kane. It starred Windsor Davies and Donald Sinden as rival antique dealers, and also starred Derek Deadman, Zara Nutley, Robin Kermode, Tacy Kneale, Julia Watson, Honor Blackman, Teddy Turner and Maria Charles. The title is taken from the Rudyard Kipling poem; The Ballad of East and West.

67 episodes

Series Premiere

1981-09-06T23:00:00Z

1x01 Families At War

Series Premiere

1x01 Families At War

  • 1981-09-06T23:00:00Z25m

The feuding fathers find out about the relationship between their son and daughter and consider taking steps to prevent a marriage.

1981-09-13T23:00:00Z

1x02 Of Meissen Men

1x02 Of Meissen Men

  • 1981-09-13T23:00:00Z25m

Veronica appears on the scene - causing Simon and Oliver to compete for more than antiquities.

1981-09-20T23:00:00Z

1x03 A Night At The Opera

1x03 A Night At The Opera

  • 1981-09-20T23:00:00Z25m

Veronica wants to go to the opera in Edinburgh. Simon and Oliver each compete to be her date. Simon has to find a replacement au pair.

1981-09-27T23:00:00Z

1x04 A Matched Pair

1x04 A Matched Pair

  • 1981-09-27T23:00:00Z25m

Oliver's antiques shop is burgled. A pair of pistols is reported missing, but when these mysteriously turn up in Simon's shop Oliver turns this misfortune into an opportunity to make money from an insurance claim. Simon is arrested when a police officer spots the pistols in his shop window. To encourage Oliver to assist him in getting the charges dropped he agrees to help Oliver get membership at his golf club.

1981-10-04T23:00:00Z

1x05 Nothing But The Truth

1x05 Nothing But The Truth

  • 1981-10-04T23:00:00Z25m

Oliver beats Simon to a painting they both want. But is it a Constable or not? David confesses propositioning another woman, jeopardising their engagement.

Season Finale

1981-10-18T23:00:00Z

1x06 Father Of The Groom

Season Finale

1x06 Father Of The Groom

  • 1981-10-18T23:00:00Z25m

Simon holds a dinner for Oliver, Lyn and David, his ulterior motive being to expose Oliver's lack of etiquette. Lyn prepares for her move into Simon and David's home. David and Lyn's wedding day arrives.

Season Premiere

1982-09-06T23:00:00Z

2x01 Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed ?

Season Premiere

2x01 Who's Been Sleeping In My Bed ?

  • 1982-09-06T23:00:00Z25m

Simon nominates Oliver for membership of his golf club. Oliver holds a function for the committee members to win their support. Lyn and David are on their honeymoon and return to find Oliver and Simon quarrelling over their wedding presents.

1982-09-13T23:00:00Z

2x02 As Young As You Feel

2x02 As Young As You Feel

  • 1982-09-13T23:00:00Z25m

Simon and Oliver seek to win Veronica's affections. Oliver reaches the age of 50. Lyn is concerned about her father being lonely, but David is concerned about the amount of time she spends with him.

1982-09-20T23:00:00Z

2x03 A Woman's Place ...

2x03 A Woman's Place ...

  • 1982-09-20T23:00:00Z25m

David and Lyn quarrel about her taking a full-time job. Oliver seeks a new cleaner. Simon is losing to Oliver in a telephone chess game and becomes suspicious about Oliver's apparent skill at the game.

1982-09-27T23:00:00Z

2x04 Blood Brothers

2x04 Blood Brothers

  • 1982-09-27T23:00:00Z25m

Simon needs a blood transfusion, but he has a rare blood type. Oliver has the same blood type and agrees to donate in return for favours from Simon, including dating Veronica.

1982-10-04T23:00:00Z

2x05 lf You Knew Susan

2x05 lf You Knew Susan

  • 1982-10-04T23:00:00Z25m

Simon's sister visits him and Oliver immediately falls for her. Simon and Oliver each purchase one of a pair of figurines and then attempt to purchase the others to make a valuable pair.

Season Finale

1982-10-11T23:00:00Z

2x06 The More We Are Together

Season Finale

2x06 The More We Are Together

  • 1982-10-11T23:00:00Z25m

Oliver and Simon each separately consider reforming their partnership due to the poor state of their accounts and the imminent arrival of the taxman.

Season Premiere

1983-10-09T23:00:00Z

3x01 Taking Stock

Season Premiere

3x01 Taking Stock

  • 1983-10-09T23:00:00Z25m

Oliver and Simon have re-entered their partnership. They decide to do a stocktake. Oliver meets up with an old school friend, Bethan. Confusion ensues over a fake watch and a "pair" of candlesticks.

1983-10-16T23:00:00Z

3x02 Partners

3x02 Partners

  • 1983-10-16T23:00:00Z25m

Simon receives an offer for his shop. Oliver thinks that Ringo has won the pools and breaks his partnership with Simon, offering Ringo a partnership. However, thinks are not what they seem for either man.

1983-10-24T00:00:00Z

3x03 A Nose For Quality

3x03 A Nose For Quality

  • 1983-10-24T00:00:00Z25m

Both Simon and Oliver believe that they have appointments to meet Lady Deveraux with a view to purchasing some of her antiques.

1983-10-31T00:00:00Z

3x04 The End Of The Line

3x04 The End Of The Line

  • 1983-10-31T00:00:00Z25m

Oliver and Simon discuss the issue of grandchildren. David claims to have had a vasectomy. Oliver and Simon join a dating agency as an alternative route to continuing their family lines.

1983-11-07T00:00:00Z

3x05 The Welsh Connection

3x05 The Welsh Connection

  • 1983-11-07T00:00:00Z25m

Simon and Oliver go on a health kick. An auction in Wales causes disagreement between the two men.

Season Finale

1983-11-14T00:00:00Z

3x06 Not On The Same Wavelength

Season Finale

3x06 Not On The Same Wavelength

  • 1983-11-14T00:00:00Z25m

Simon and Oliver are invited as guests onto a radio show. The two men become convinced that Lyn is pregnant.

Season Premiere

1984-11-08T00:00:00Z

4x01 A Home of Your Own

Season Premiere

4x01 A Home of Your Own

  • 1984-11-08T00:00:00Z25m

David and Lyn have moved to Canada. Simon needs to find someone to rent his flat quickly before his Aunt Eleanor moves in.

1984-11-15T00:00:00Z

4x02 The Royal Connection

4x02 The Royal Connection

  • 1984-11-15T00:00:00Z25m

Oliver attempts to gain the Royal Warrant for his shop from the Prince of Wales. Simon investigates his family tree in the hope of finding that he has blue blood.

1984-11-22T00:00:00Z

4x03 Words and Music

4x03 Words and Music

  • 1984-11-22T00:00:00Z25m

Oliver and Simon volunteer to perform at a Vet Circle luncheon for Caroline.

4x04 No Flame Like An Old Flame

  • 1984-11-29T00:00:00Z25m

Simon's life becomes complicated when an old sweetheart pays him an unexpected visit.

1984-12-06T00:00:00Z

4x05 Love's Neighbours' Lost

4x05 Love's Neighbours' Lost

  • 1984-12-06T00:00:00Z25m

Oliver and Simon duel over a woman, Caroline. But they find that there is another man vying for her affections.

Season Finale

1984-12-13T00:00:00Z

4x06 Come Fly With Me

Season Finale

4x06 Come Fly With Me

  • 1984-12-13T00:00:00Z25m

Season Premiere

1986-01-08T00:00:00Z

5x01 In Whom We Tryst

Season Premiere

5x01 In Whom We Tryst

  • 1986-01-08T00:00:00Z25m

1986-01-15T00:00:00Z

5x02 Going, Going, Gone!

5x02 Going, Going, Gone!

  • 1986-01-15T00:00:00Z25m

1986-01-22T00:00:00Z

5x03 Thicker Than Water

5x03 Thicker Than Water

  • 1986-01-22T00:00:00Z25m

1986-01-29T00:00:00Z

5x04 Kung Who ?

5x04 Kung Who ?

  • 1986-01-29T00:00:00Z25m

1986-02-05T00:00:00Z

5x05 Reading Between The Lines

5x05 Reading Between The Lines

  • 1986-02-05T00:00:00Z25m

Season Finale

1986-02-12T00:00:00Z

5x06 Definitely Not Cricket!

Season Finale

5x06 Definitely Not Cricket!

  • 1986-02-12T00:00:00Z25m

Season Premiere

1987-01-15T00:00:00Z

6x01 Feed A Cold

Season Premiere

6x01 Feed A Cold

  • 1987-01-15T00:00:00Z25m

1987-01-22T00:00:00Z

6x02 Going To Pot

6x02 Going To Pot

  • 1987-01-22T00:00:00Z25m

1987-02-05T00:00:00Z

6x04 A Night To Remember

6x04 A Night To Remember

  • 1987-02-05T00:00:00Z25m

6x05 The Battle Of Deveraux Dale

  • 1987-02-12T00:00:00Z25m

Season Finale

1987-02-19T00:00:00Z

6x06 Affair of the Heart

Season Finale

6x06 Affair of the Heart

  • 1987-02-19T00:00:00Z25m

Season Premiere

1988-01-27T00:00:00Z

7x01 Settled Out of Court

Season Premiere

7x01 Settled Out of Court

  • 1988-01-27T00:00:00Z25m

1988-03-03T00:00:00Z

7x02 The Wagers Of Sin

7x02 The Wagers Of Sin

  • 1988-03-03T00:00:00Z25m

1988-02-17T00:00:00Z

7x04 The Second Time Around

7x04 The Second Time Around

  • 1988-02-17T00:00:00Z25m

1988-02-24T00:00:00Z

7x05 Born To Blush Unseen

7x05 Born To Blush Unseen

  • 1988-02-24T00:00:00Z25m

Season Finale

1988-03-02T00:00:00Z

7x06 Fasten Your Seat Belts

Season Finale

7x06 Fasten Your Seat Belts

  • 1988-03-02T00:00:00Z25m

Season Premiere

1988-10-24T00:00:00Z

8x01 Grandfathers-In-Law

Season Premiere

8x01 Grandfathers-In-Law

  • 1988-10-24T00:00:00Z25m

1988-10-31T00:00:00Z

8x02 Nursery Times

8x02 Nursery Times

  • 1988-10-31T00:00:00Z25m

1988-11-07T00:00:00Z

8x03 Whose Baby ?

8x03 Whose Baby ?

  • 1988-11-07T00:00:00Z25m

1988-11-14T00:00:00Z

8x04 Never Say Die

8x04 Never Say Die

  • 1988-11-14T00:00:00Z25m

1988-11-21T00:00:00Z

8x05 Moving On

8x05 Moving On

  • 1988-11-21T00:00:00Z25m

Season Finale

1988-11-28T00:00:00Z

8x06 It's A Long Way To Friern Barnet

Season Finale

8x06 It's A Long Way To Friern Barnet

  • 1988-11-28T00:00:00Z25m

Season Premiere

1989-09-05T23:00:00Z

9x01 Just The Ticket

Season Premiere

9x01 Just The Ticket

  • 1989-09-05T23:00:00Z25m

1989-09-12T23:00:00Z

9x02 A Question Of Honour

9x02 A Question Of Honour

  • 1989-09-12T23:00:00Z25m

1989-09-19T23:00:00Z

9x03 A New Lease Of Life

9x03 A New Lease Of Life

  • 1989-09-19T23:00:00Z25m

1989-09-26T23:00:00Z

9x04 Aspects Of Love

9x04 Aspects Of Love

  • 1989-09-26T23:00:00Z25m

1989-10-03T23:00:00Z

9x05 Neighbours

9x05 Neighbours

  • 1989-10-03T23:00:00Z25m

1989-10-10T23:00:00Z

9x06 Bonjour Paris

9x06 Bonjour Paris

  • 1989-10-10T23:00:00Z25m

Season Finale

1989-12-28T00:00:00Z

9x07 A Winter's Tale

Season Finale

9x07 A Winter's Tale

  • 1989-12-28T00:00:00Z25m

Season Premiere

1990-09-04T23:00:00Z

10x01 X Marks The Spot

Season Premiere

10x01 X Marks The Spot

  • 1990-09-04T23:00:00Z25m

1990-09-11T23:00:00Z

10x02 S.W.A.L.K.

10x02 S.W.A.L.K.

  • 1990-09-11T23:00:00Z25m

1990-09-25T23:00:00Z

10x04 Happy Holiday

10x04 Happy Holiday

  • 1990-09-25T23:00:00Z25m

Season Finale

1990-10-09T23:00:00Z

10x06 A Car By Any Other Name

Season Finale

10x06 A Car By Any Other Name

  • 1990-10-09T23:00:00Z25m

Season Premiere

1991-09-03T23:00:00Z

11x01 Viva Espana

Season Premiere

11x01 Viva Espana

  • 1991-09-03T23:00:00Z25m

1991-09-10T23:00:00Z

11x02 The Best Laid Plans

11x02 The Best Laid Plans

  • 1991-09-10T23:00:00Z25m

1991-09-17T23:00:00Z

11x03 Born Again

11x03 Born Again

  • 1991-09-17T23:00:00Z25m

1991-09-24T23:00:00Z

11x04 There Goes The Bride

11x04 There Goes The Bride

  • 1991-09-24T23:00:00Z25m

11x05 Two Fools And Their Money

  • 1991-10-01T23:00:00Z25m

Season Finale

1991-10-08T23:00:00Z

11x06 The First Of The Queue

Season Finale

11x06 The First Of The Queue

  • 1991-10-08T23:00:00Z25m

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