Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers 1989

The series gets worse. Michael isn't dead (surprise!!) and little Jamie's having visions of Michael's presence again. Dr. Loomis continually pesters Jamie to tell him where Michael is, but she's too frightened to do so. Or it could be that she can't understand what the Hell he is saying because his voice sounds like he's been gargling battery acid. And why is he smothering her all the time? Everytime he talks to her he is about two inches from her face. In fact, everyone seems to do that in this movie. Why was everybody so close to one another? It made me claustrophobic.

Rachel's back (for a while anyway), and the story ends up following a new girl named Tina around. She's typical late 80's, Cyndi Lauper-ish, girls-just-wanna-have-fun sort of annoying. She parties with her friends on Halloween as the body count around her rises.

I'm trying to write up something interesting about this movie but I was just bored with it. There were a couple of things that struck me as completely odd or maybe just stupid. One of them was two cops whose appearance was paired with some loopy carnival-style music when they first showed up. They weren't funny or particularly goofy. They were more bland so I didn't get what the filmmakers were attempting to accomplish. Another off the wall decision was to have Michael drive a muscle car around. It just never approached scary and was totally out of character because he used it to scare Tina. Michael doesn't scare people, he just attacks and kills them.

Aw, forget it. I've said more about "Halloween 5" than it deserves.

Much of this movie is preposterous and unwatchable. Loomis is all over the place in the first part of the movie, but when Jamie is actually in danger, he's nowhere to be found, and her fate is left in the hands of an elf-looking boy and Rachel's random friend, about whom the audience has been given no reason to care. Also why was Loomis man-handling Jamie for much of the movie and scaring her more than she already was? Another guy named Michael, Tina's boyfriend, who comes off as an ass, gets killed; no one cares. This other couple - I guess their names are Sam and Spitz - are having sex in a barn in a overly long scene, and they get killed; no one cares. At least the cops in the previous movies weren't complete buffoons, and if you couldn't tell the two main policemen in this film were buffoons, there was carnival/clown music playing when they appeared on screen. :facepalm: The buffoon cops died; no one cares. It seems the only being more indestructible than Michael Myers is Loomis himself. Dude's been shot, had half of his face burned off and then got stabbed. I'm intrigued by who the mystery man in black is, but that's about all I'm intrigued by after watching this film. When I started the franchise, the filmmakers teased at getting into some of the psychology or more of the history behind why Michael is the way he is, but it's been five films so far, and little else has been said about it since. So it seems, at least up to this point, filmmakers are just going to have him skulk around and kill indiscriminately while he's on Jamie's path, and that's about the most depth for which we can hope. After this one, I'm not necessarily looking forward to the next installment. I hope I'm surprised.

Onto the halfway point in the Halloween franchise, Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. This film is a direct sequel to the fourth film, containing all the essential and main characters from the last movie as they further the story of Michael Myers…a story that has long overstayed its welcome, but here we are. Comparing the fourth and fifth film, I can say I like this one better, but not by a large margin. As I review it, I’m going to try to explain why. So, let’s get into it.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers shows how, once again, Michael Myers narrowly escaped what everyone in the audience already assumed was his actual death. It actually made sense too, because the newly introduced Jamie could have, and maybe should have, taken over his identity. The fourth movie ended coming full circle and teased the idea that Jamie may, in fact, be just as evil as Michael was as a child – but when you watch this movie, you realize that isn’t the case. After Michael survives the ordeal, he goes into a coma for a year, waking up at surprise, surprise, Halloween time…where he…stalks Jamie again. Only this time, she has a psychic link to him for some reason.

As I’ve mentioned, I like this movie more than the fourth…but why? On a completely technical side of things, the fourth movie may make a little more sense – but I believe the introduction to the characters was silly, the murders were more random, and I felt like it was just a money-grabbing sequel that really made no sense as to why it existed. In general, I feel like it existed in order for this movie to exist (in a similar way, I feel the same applies to the first two films in the series, so it’s appropriate). This film is unique, as horror film sequels should be. It changes things up and gives the little girl a psychic link to Michael Myers.

Why would a psychic link be a good thing in this series that is otherwise grounded in reality? Because it’s not grounded in reality. It never was. Since the beginning, the audience has had to accept the idea that there is something supernatural about Michael Myers – but it never expressively told the audience that…they’ve only said that he’s evil. This psychic link all but proves that theory, which again, grounds the franchise back to a discernment of reality – well, something that makes more sense anyway. Now we can sit back and say that there is something supernatural at work here.

That being said, Halloween 5 is still a pointless film in a money-grabbing horror franchise. Loomis is losing his mind, and not in a good acting way. He’s loony and makes the movie just a little more laughable, which is sad, considering the fact that he was one of the best actors in the first movie. The rest of the cast is just average at their abilities to act, and in the end, the movie doesn’t seem all that special. I just think it’s slightly better than the fourth.

Five more Halloween movies to go. Do you guys think I’ll make it?! We’ll see.

What I'd really like to leave here as a "review" is something like, "I have no words..." Unfortunately, I do have words…none of which are positive. Why the entire Halloween franchise became so hugely popular becomes ever more confusing to me, as this series is just utter rubbish and nonsense, a toxic blend of disjointed and confusing stories that have zero explanation. From the very first Halloween I still have no idea why Michael Myers became suddenly hellbent on destroying his own extended family, or how he gained such immortal and supernatural powers. His ability to "heal" from gunshot wounds, knife wounds, falls, boards to the head, etc make Wolverine look like a first-year student at Professor X's School for the Gifted. And in this particular episode of the ongoing saga, the story - along with the script, the acting, the dialogue, and everything else - just steeps deeper into the bilge tank. What a complete stinker. Wow, this was absolutely horrible... just completely awful. There was nothing to like and scads to detest about this film, from the weird attempt at ... I don't know.... were the plans to make the little girl a "scared speechless" mute for the entire movie until they discovered she just wouldn't shut up? Or was it part of the storyline to have her suddenly lurch from "scared speechless" into "scared stammering" when she finally burst out with "T...T...Ti.....Tinaaaa!!!" (Insert eye-rolling sound here) Ai yi yi, this was bad. Everything. EVERYTHING about this just reeked. Even some of the closing scenes were an obvious ripoff of the Friday the 13th movie. Like I said, there was absolutely nothing to like about this, and pretty much everything to either disdain, sneer at, despise, or just look away from. I must have some kind of sick masochistic tendencies to keep watching these but Halloween is one of the few horror franchises that I haven't watched in its entirety, and - halfway knowing what to expect, sadly - I decided I would go ahead and get this one out of the way. From the original Halloween to this one, it has gotten progressively worse and I don't hold out ANY hope of it improving, not even with time. Take my advice as one who has sat through this stinkbomb: AVOID THIS ONE AT ALL COSTS.