Critters Attack! 2019

"Critters Attack!" is a strange film to review. I honestly think this film was not made with reviews in mind. No, I mean really not made with reviews in mind, because it's hard to get a bead on what they were truly going for here. It seems like a reboot, but then Dee Wallace is in it and indicates that the Crites have been around before, although she behaves more like Lee from the first two films so maybe she's really Terrence Mann in disguise (who is conspicuously absent; I was waiting for him to pop up as it just doesn't feel like a Critters movie without Terrence Mann)...I don't know. So, let's break this down.

To start, you'll notice that, to the film's credit, they stick to primarily to practical effects. This is good as it's trying to at least feel like the original films. Honestly, CGI Crites would probably have been really bad. They even bring back the giant Critter Ball from the second movie, although still no human sized Crites as seen in the first film. Crites are puppets and should only be puppets, although at the same time, something about these new redesigned puppets feels a little off. They've always had big mouths, but now they've got flip-top heads. Eh...

However, the practical effects bring up a real oddity to this film. There are also a lot of prosthetics used for the Crites to chew on. Now, in and of itself, that wouldn't be an issue. What makes it odd is that it makes this film much more violent and gory than the previous ones. I like a good gory horror flick as much as the next person, but something about it feels...strange in a Critters movie. The previous films are very tame by comparison, with only two people dying in the first movie. This isn't necessarily bad as people who watched the old movies have grown up and are more mature now, but it does throw you a little bit.

Then we get to the script. This film feels like it was written by a first-year film student. It's nonsensical, goes all over the place with little focus, explanation, or even a satisfying ending, if you can even call it an ending since it just seems to stop. The characters are not well fleshed out and they resort to gimmicks to try and get us to remember some of them since they have no other characteristics, like a guy who's obsessed with bagpipes. Heck, I forgot younger boy in the main group was even there half the time since his gimmick is that he doesn't talk and only communicates by texting. They probably thought they were being funny, but instead it creates a major stumbling block.

Overall, while it's still a pretty bad film, but you can at least tell that the filmmakers were fans of the original and were trying to do something of a tribute, and let's be honest, unless you're a fan of at least the original movie, you're probably not going to see this one. In fact, that's exactly what this feels like: An amateurish fan film. You're not missing much if you avoid it or never even knew it existed, like me until I stumbled upon it completely by accident. I kind of wish I hadn't.

The film's greatest sins are ignoring established canon (suddenly krites can be killed by sounds like police sirens and air horns, and they can be safely kicked around and wrestled with, and their spines lack a paralyzing toxin [which is even acknowledged with the character quizzically saying "I'm fine?" after being shot], the black krites are suddenly all males and have a "queen" they don't respect who isn't ravenous for whatever reason) and leaving its story undeveloped. We're never given an actual explanation why the white krite doesn't want to eat people (or anything else, really. It would have been nice to have her chowing down on a pile of sushi at the restaurant), why the krites suddenly have a matriarchal structure, why the male krites don't obey the queen, how these krites exist when the last eggs are frozen with Charlie in a pod, nor are we given proper resolutions to the character arcs established throughout the film--which ends so abruptly that you can't consider it as actually having an ending. It cuts to credits immediately after the climax.

Approximately ten more minutes of footage, a little more development on the part of the krite queen in some small ways, and an adherence to the established elements of the species would have saved this movie from being the worst in the series.

WHAT A LOAD OF BULL-CRAP. NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN MADE. IT IS CRINGY AF.
AND THE DIALOGUE IS ABSOLUTELY PAIN AND MADE MY EARS BLEED.
THIS WAS MADE BY A 9yr OLD FOR A 5yr OLD.
THEY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED AT 1 AND 2 WITH THIS ONCE BRILLIANT FRANCHISE JUST LIKE IT'S COUSIN GREMLINS DID. BUT NO HAD TO GO DOWN THE LEPRECHAUN, TREMORS
HELLRAISER ROUTE AND BURN AND BURIE THE FRANCHISE THEN SALT THE EARTH AFTERWARDS. PISS'S ME OFF THAT THEY THINK WE SHOULD PUT UP WITH THIS KIDDY WOKE SJW BULL-SHIT.
ANOTHER FRANCHISE DEAD AND GONE TO THE WOKE BRIGADE. I WILL NOT WASTE MY TIME EVER WITH ANYMORE OF THIS BRAVE, INCLUSIVE DIVERSE GARBAGE.
Where this franchise is concerned I'll just stick with 1 and 2 if fact am ready for a rewatch on them.
side gripe wtf happen to the poisoning spikes they used to fire off, took them out because the snowflakes of today found it to upsetting are some pc crap like that. Oh and sound does not kill them.
Am not going to list all the thing's that made this turd so shit because it's all the thing's what in that we're done right in 1 and 2 that made them so awesome.
-0/10 for this stupid turd